Making Music, Managing Life

So life took an unexpected and yet delightful turn for me this year when I was given the opportunity to go to graduate school. When Jasmyne and I moved back to TN in September, I did not have in my mind to go back to school. But God did, and here I am! I was given an offer I just could not refuse...a graduate teaching assistantship and stipend...in the middle of an academic year!

Let me tell you, after the last few years I've had, this opportunity is a burst of sunshine in my life. It's been quite awhile since I have seriously studied the violin, even though I've been playing constantly for years. When I got my undergraduate degree in 1993, I really did not progress musically beyond that point, in spite of the fact that I've had some amazing musical experiences in the years since. So to study at this level again is a welcome challenge, but still a challenge.

I'm working on many different things at once: solos, chamber music, orchestral excerpts, symphonic works, and I'm even in a jazz band/orchestra. I'm growing, stretching, and in several areas, I admit I am WAY out of my comfort zone, which I love and hate at the same time. Mostly I love it, but there have been some growing pains.

I can't believe I'm about halfway through the semester now! I'm experiencing a sensation not unlike how one might feel after returning to the gym after years away, or maybe even for the first time: SORE. You know that feeling. I'm feeling it both literally and metaphorically. It's the kind of sore that's not fun right now, but you know it is going to yield some amazing results, so you push through and don't give up, even though it hurts.

I am literally sore. I've had days where my wrists ache, my back and shoulders hurt, and my neck feels tension. It has not been unusual in the past for me to go days, even weeks without even touching my instrument. Well, I don't have that luxury anymore. I absolutely cannot go a day without touching the violin. Because this opportunity came on kind of suddenly, it has been a shock to my system to be playing this much. And it's not just the fact that I'm playing, but it's also the kind of playing...solos, chamber music, orchestral works, etc. They all require a different kind of sound and tone. Especially playing "soloistically" can be very demanding, something I'm not used to. I have to be careful to avoid injury and straining, so I have not physically been able to practice as much as I'd like. I first have to build stamina, as well as find time. Because in the midst of all of this, I'm still parenting alone. Even though I have wonderful support and help, I'm still my daughter's only present parent right now.

Which brings me to the subject of my marriage...in the midst of this whirlwind that is graduate school, I am still in the middle of major personal drama that yet remains unresolved. In many ways, my life still has a question mark over it where my husband should be. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. But I'm grateful that at least I'm not carrying the burden alone. Not only is Jesus taking on the brunt of the burden, but He has also given me some faithful companions who are helping to carry me in the midst of all this. They have joined their faith with mine to believe for the full restoration of my husband and our family. That really means a lot to me.

I don't even know how to begin to explain what all has been going on, and exactly why my husband and I are separated. Perhaps I don't have to right now. It's enough to know that I am trusting God in the midst of the absence and believing that He will resolve the situation in His way and time. Most of all, I believe that we will be a family again one day.

Meanwhile, I live my life as full as  possible. My days are full of music, motherhood, writing, praising Him...there is peace that God has given me. I'm enjoying my time in school, even through the growing pains. I have met some wonderful people, and I enjoy the environment. There are some things in life we just don't have any control over. I have not been able to control the course of my marriage or the underlying drama that has impacted and separated me and my husband. But I have been able to control the extent to which I allow the Lord to be in control. It's not been easy, for sure. But as I've trusted in Him with all my heart, leaned not to my own understanding, and acknowledged Him in all my ways, He has indeed directed my path, and has not left us. He has been true to His Word.

Challenges and Joys

Life these days consists of both major challenges, and yet there is quite a bit of joy in the midst of it all, for which I am grateful.

First I'll talk about the joys, because that's easy.

Since moving back to Knoxville, TN in September, my life has evolved quite a bit. When I came here, I had no idea that a month to the day after arriving that an amazing opportunity to go back to school would be presented to me! I am still just tickled at how God works. I did not move here with the intention of going back to school. But it has worked out just beautifully. Talk about being at the right place at the right time. My daughter is at an age where this is possible, and I have an incredible support system in my family, and my sister-in-law and her husband. My needs are met, and God has truly provided where He guided.

I am absolutely loving school. It's hard work, but so rewarding. I am enjoying the music I'm working on, and relishing in the challenges they present. And it is challenging for me, for sure. I am enjoying my new classmates and professors, and just the whole experience of being a college student again after 20 years. I'm even blogging about my experiences on a violinist website, and getting some great feedback. I am falling in love with the violin all over again. I've always loved it, but life over the past few years has, I'm not going to lie, been extremely difficult. As artists, we can't help that life really does affect our art, creativity, and expression.

Which brings me to the challenges. Life is a huge challenge for me right now, even in the midst of the joys. My marriage has been through some unique challenges, especially in the past 18 months, and that situation is very murky right now. Like the status option on Facebook, "it's complicated", but not for reasons one might think. I have dealt with issues in my marriage that few couples will ever be faced with in a lifetime. And yet, I am standing in faith for the return of my husband to his rightful position in our family. For those of you out there who are married and going through challenges, believe me when I say that whatever it is, it's not too difficult for the Lord, and it's not impossible to overcome. I believe God will restore my husband and our marriage...and if He can do that for us, He can do that for ANYBODY, I don't care what you're going through.

Right now, though, the hardest part is the waiting, and living life in a strange sort of limbo/twilight with no resolution as yet, and no communication between myself and my husband. But my daughter and I have been well taken care of in spite of it all. God is with us, and my relationship with Him has grown closer than I could've ever imagined. He has given me peace in the midst of a massive battle, and what I believe to be promises of restoration and reconciliation. I am so grateful for what He has given me, mainly the lessons learned in the fire, in the olive press, on the threshing floor of life, through suffering. This is partly why I call this blog "Mining for Diamonds"...life can be a pit sometimes, and you have to really dig deep to find the treasure, but it's there if you're willing to get dirty, and willing to go through the pain of being formed and shaped into something of great value. I believe that the pain of my marriage will one day produce a diamond. I hope I'll be able to share that joy with you one day very soon!

Meanwhile, I have no idea what I'm going to share here! I've saved all my previous posts, I may resurrect and rework a few. I hope you'll stick around to see what God does in my life!

I will leave you with a wonderful passage in Psalms to meditate on...

Psalm 71:20-24

New Living Translation (NLT)

²⁰ You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
    but you will restore me to life again
    and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
²¹ You will restore me to even greater honor
    and comfort me once again.

²² Then I will praise you with music on the harp,
    because you are faithful to your promises, O my God.
I will sing praises to you with a lyre,
    O Holy One of Israel.
²³ I will shout for joy and sing your praises,
    for you have ransomed me.
²⁴ I will tell about your righteous deeds
    all day long,
for everyone who tried to hurt me
    has been shamed and humiliated.

Amen!

Starting Over

Google Images

Hello and welcome to the “new and improved” Mining for Diamonds blog! I’ve been keeping this blog for a little over two years now. Recently, my life has gone through quite a few changes, and I thought that the best way to reflect that in this blog was to simply start all over again. Sometimes you just need a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning. In many ways, that’s been happening in my life, so I thought my blog ought to reflect that.

When I started this blog in December 2010, my husband, daughter, and I had been living in NC with my mother for a few years. We were trying to find our way as a family in the midst of some challenging life circumstances. Now, a little over two years later, just my daughter and I live in Knoxville, TN. Unfortunately our husband and Daddy is not with us right now. 

There is a story behind that, some of which I'm sure I will be sharing very soon. But for now, with God’s help and the support of friends and a wonderful extended family on both sides, we are coping with the hole left by his absence. We pray every day for him, and believe that God will restore him to us in the right timing. God has poured out an abundance of grace on us while we wait, and we have found peace and joy in the midst.

Meanwhile, I’ve decided that, in addition to my busy schedule as a solo parent and full time violin major in graduate school, I need to write. I’ve kept a journal since I was 13 years old, after I read Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl. Her story inspired me to write my own thoughts, feelings, experiences, and prayers, and I’ve been doing just that for the past 28 years. 

For all that time, I’ve rarely allowed another soul to read or even know what I have written in those countless journals (and probably never will until, like Anne, I’m dead, lol!) however with the advent of the Internet, it has given me a brand new outlet to share my thoughts with the whole world! Over the past 10 years, I’ve kept a number of blogs here and there. I enjoy the process of writing, and interacting with others around the world who read and comment on my posts. I’ve made so many new friends through blogging! I’m not in it for the money, so I think that gives me some freedom and keeps me enjoying it.

It didn’t dawn on me that I was a “writer” until a few years ago, when a counselor read some things I had written and encouraged me to, whatever I did, don’t stop writing. I think for me, writing is every bit as enjoyable and even therapeutic as playing the violin. 

Those are just two of the many “facets” of my life that are a large part of who I am and what I’m about. Another huge facet of my life is my faith in Jesus Christ. These days, to be called a Christian or to talk about Jesus, or express a certain view in conjunction with one’s faith can be viewed rather negatively and brings up all kinds of Big Feelings about all kinds of issues. Matters of faith, religion, God, heaven, hell, sin, etc. can, admittedly, indeed be quite complex and confusing. I don’t claim to have answers, but I do claim to know the One who does. I happen to believe that it is Jesus Christ, the Creator of the world. He has the answers to the questions that we carry in the deepest parts of our beings. We may not receive the answers while we walk on this planet, but one thing we can receive from Him while we’re here is peace in the midst of the questions. My life is far from perfect, but I am eternally grateful that peace is available to me through my relationship with Jesus.

One day I would love to incorporate all of these facets of my life into a book, or books, if I’m so blessed.  I have a story, and it is in me to share it. I believe that is true for many of us. Everywhere we look, people are crying out in one way or another to be heard, to connect, to matter. The internet with its social media, blogs, You Tube, and Pinterest gives us the opportunity to let our voices be heard, to share our joys and sorrows with one another, to laugh, cry, and hope. I hope that here in my little corner of cyberspace, you find something (or rather Some One!) worth reading/hearing/knowing. I hope you’ll come back often, and I hope to share in your life as you do in mine! 

Thanks for stopping by!